Thursday, March 11, 2010

Wondering train of thought

Of all the losses, I think my journal feels the greatest.

Though it was fairly newly started, there were lots of words in there. Hours of thoughts. Contemplation on life. One of my favourite airport past times is reflection. I probably do this too much. I know I'm not going to figure out the point of life. But I can't stop wondering.

I thought I was over the whole robbing thing, since it's sort of a funny sordid tale with me chasing the robbers and all. But then a trashy-looking lady in a hulking white SUV doored my Mini Cooper, so I thought the next thing must be getting hit by car on the way into work. It wasn't. Just temporary mental exaggeration.

Really, it was just money. And just things.

I was reading poetry at lunch.

"The moment in the heart
where I roam restless, searching
for the thin border of the fence
to break through or leap."
-Michael Ondaatje

I'm not even sure what this means. But it almost brought me to tears.

Perhaps it was post-robbery hormones! Or lack of sleep. But.

I have of course been a bit of a roller coaster this week as I reclaimed my identity.

I have two minds, one is solitary, the other is outgoing.

At times it is tempting to stay home, live in the land of social networking, in my corner of quiet solitude, surrounded by peaceful objects and memories of past. Especially when I am nursing wounds, feeling pulled in too many directions at once.

Just last week, a friend wanted me to hang out after work, and asked if I was in a rush to get home. (I was, but.) I figured that life is about others. Not just me.

It's really about relationships. Connections. Not about being alone. (Don't misconstrue this that I think you need to be married- I don't.)

I think we are really nothing without the recognition of another being.

To be truly seen, that is to be alive.

So at the end of the day, if I am a little short on sleep, but I have connected with another, then I think my day has been real.

I've had a lot of real days lately, and for that I am thankful.

The robbing, well, it made me reach out to a lot of friends. I still believe the world is mostly good.

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