This is what 32 looks and thinks like:

I’ve been having a lot of trouble seeing the point of planning - for next year, retirement, my career. I don’t know what it is.

This is the worst case of butterflies that I’ve ever had. Is this what it is like to be a commitment-phobe? I can’t commit to life. I just want to keep running. I don’t even know what I am running from.

I’m having fun here- living in a new place, learning new things, meeting new people. It’s great, but I’m craving a experience that’s less superficial.

I look at people who are with their spouses pushing strollers hurriedly down the street. And I think, “They don’t look like they are wondering about the meaning of life.” But they’re probably just keeping up with their day-to-day routine. When you’re single and free, there’s more time to think. More time to be lost.

I think part of it’s the whole birthday thing. 32, it’s not old. But it’s getting older. In your thirties, you are supposed to feel more secure in yourself (and I do) but I don’t feel any more certain of myself or my future. I feel lost. As lost as I was all the other years.

I was out last night dancing with friends all over Auckland. It was great fun, but it felt surreal- almost like life was going on around me and I was watching it, though I was in the middle of the dance floor spinning around in my dress.


The sensation of life swirling around me. I am in the eye of the storm but I can’t see where I’m going. I just see the drama. Waiting to see where I get dropped off next.



Self-photo right before I went out in my second-hand blue birthday dress.