I am perhaps a loser.

I mull things over too much.
I get too excited.
I have too many ideas.
I fear love.
I hold my breath.
I keep life at arm's length.
I spin.
I flit.
I walk and walk til it all makes sense.
It never makes sense.

Meditation not necessary

I feel weird, like I could stay here forever. I'm so calm. I don't know if I've ever been at peace like this. Or if I was, I can't recall. Perhaps it was the perfect storm of getting sick again, slowing down, losing my travel companion and finding a quiet guesthouse on the river. I haven't really done anything for five days. It's sinful in most Western cultures to be this lazy. In these Asian cultures, they work every day also, all day. But not at the breakneck pace of the Western world. They have times of leisure. When there is not work, they sit and wait. Maybe that's why the Eastern parts of the world seem more spiritual than us.

I can't help but slip into contemplation. I'm trying to set some plans for the next few months of the year. A week ago, I was so sad to lose Carrie that all I could think of was to return to the States. Now I am so calm, I feel like I could stay away for years more. The options can be paralyzing or freeing. I think I'll choose to think of them as freeing and not cement anything just yet.

This was on a card from Carrie (my baby sis)

May your life be like a wild flower,
growing freely in the beauty and joy of each day.
(Native American Proverb)

Fear

“All of us were imprinted one of two ways:
either the world is dangerous with moments of safety,
or the world is safe with moments of danger.”
-Deepak Chopra

Fortunately, I was raised to believe the world is safe and full of good people. My experiences have mostly confirmed that. Unless I am trying to figure out my life!

Tonight, I've been researching Asia, airfares, volunteering, ashrams, train tickets, budgets, etc. November seems to be coming like freight train without brakes! I'm almost paralyzed with options. It's funny when I start to look things up, I get completely lost. I've planned loads of short term trips... but nothing like this.

My gut is saying buy a one way ticket to SE Asia and see where you go from there. Maybe return to India, maybe Western Australia. Maybe parts of Africa or South America? Or Eastern Europe? Without a particular agenda in mind, it's a little overwhelming. There's RTW airfares, but I don't know how much they will save me or if they will just complicate matters for someone who wishes to fly by the seat of her pants, wherever my Mary Poppins umbrella carries me...

Lord.

I'm going to bed.