I fell last night. My mom spilled her tea on the carpet and her shoes. It was in slow motion and at first I thought I wouldn't get up. But in a fit of conscience I jumped up with my computer cord wrapped around my tennis shoe and caught on the leg of the footstool. I crashed into the hardwood floor, like an elephant falling down.
"Jeez, you two are a spectacle!" He said.
I said I was ok. No pain. Just embarrassment at my continual accident-prone, eternally dorky nature. I would never be graceful.
I pulled up my fleece pants and saw that my knee was damaged. Somehow a carpet nail had caught my knee and ripped through it straight down, revealing my inner flesh. Just a hint of red seeped out. I expected it would bleed much more.
They fussed about looking for something to hold it together. "It'll scar." I said, remembering my chin scar. Burning with embarrassment and regret at a bike accident which took place over eight years ago now. I was trying to protect my sister. I failed and ripped myself open in the process.
I rip myself over and over again. Trying to protect myself from the outside world. Trying to pretend that I am easy going and graceful and caring. Trying so hard to be good enough.
I wish I could be good enough as I am. Not as people want me to be. Or who I think I should be. Just as me.