Yet I feel like I'm holding my breath waiting to see what happens. I don't want to leave here. I don't know what'll happen should I come to the crossroads of choosing between living here and returning to North Carolina. I feel ill at the idea of giving up myself. I'm not sure what I'm able to do. But I know that I am also thinking ahead which is pretty futile in most ways. So instead I'm trying to stay in the moment I'm in. I can't help but wonder- my brain is trained in speculation and possibilities and planning for the future. These last five years have been a study in living in the moment. It is not easy.
I sometimes feel it is a tug of war. So many things- location, weather, lifestyle, families. I wonder sometimes if it is irreconcilable differences. Sometimes it feels too much. I feel like we are in that in between world where things are before they explode one way or the other. I don't know if we have enough to hold it together. I will have to see.
I know he originally came out here with the intention of moving me right back to NC. I think he has since changed his mind in some way, but I think it's only temporary. It's a tug of war between the coasts. I wonder if we each have to give up too much. I feel restricted and scared.
I wish things were easier.