Friday, March 22, 2013

Fears in between

Two months in the Northwest and I feel more at home every day. I'm healthier than I've been in years from  all the outdoor activities, good food and friends who fill up my soul, plus time with my sister. 

Yet I feel like I'm holding my breath waiting to see what happens. I don't want to leave here. I don't know what'll happen should I come to the crossroads of choosing between living here and returning to North Carolina. I feel ill at the idea of giving up myself. I'm not sure what I'm able to do. But I know that I am also thinking ahead which is pretty futile in most ways. So instead I'm trying to stay in the moment I'm in. I can't help but wonder- my brain is trained in speculation and possibilities and planning for the future. These last five years have been a study in living in the moment. It is not easy. 

I sometimes feel it is a tug of war. So many things- location, weather, lifestyle, families. I wonder sometimes if it is irreconcilable differences. Sometimes it feels too much. I feel like we are in that in between world where things are before they explode one way or the other. I don't know if we have enough to hold it together. I will have to see. 

I know he originally came out here with the intention of moving me right back to NC. I think he has since changed his mind in some way, but I think it's only temporary. It's a tug of war between the coasts. I wonder if we each have to give up too much. I feel restricted and scared. 

I wish things were easier. 

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