Charlie Arrived

After a rather stressful journey across the first half of the USA, Charlie arrived at our house in Iowa at about quarter to two in the morning. He'd had a check engine light go on and off while he was driving back which caused us a bit of concern (he had it looked at on the way here and they didn't know what was wrong). We have an appointment for the car scheduled on Friday morning at my honest and trustworthy Iowa mechanic. Hopefully they are able to sort it out and we are roadworthy to get back to Oregon on Tuesday.

It was so nice to sleep together again. :)

Iowa, the land of quiet happiness.

Flying in early yesterday morning, I pressed my nose to the window enjoying the view from the plane. It was the first time I've flown into Iowa. All other times were by car. It looked remarkably like North Dakota- squared off farmland, in shades of tan this time of year. A stretch of river. A lake. The flat horizon sparsely populated by trees. Mostly a bunch of blue sky. I liked it. 

Trudging from the gate to the exit overburdened by heavy carry-ons, I noticed the security checkpoint and continued walking, wondering how far it was to the exit and where my mom would be waiting for me. I saw a large group of people on the right, kept walking, then did a double-take- it was Mom, Chuck, Molly, Hazel, Claire and Lily! All there. I didn't even know I'd left the terminal. Lily and Claire ran up right away. Then the braver Lily gave me a hug with Claire behind her, followed by hugs from everyone. Then Claire snuck up again, grabbed my left hand and kissed it. We all walked out to the mini-van, seven of us strapped in, me between two car seats in the back row. It was a full load. The sun shone down, and we got home to North Liberty within twenty minutes. 

Later that day, we participated in a Halloween costume party. Originally just the girls were dressing up, but when I tried on my costume I borrowed from Auntie Carrie, they wanted me to wear it too (had to talk myself into it a bit). It was pretty fun. The dress was uber-short and when I was trying to get Claire out of her car seat, I said "I think I might be flashing people." Lily jumped up and yelled, "I'm blocking you! I'm blocking you!" It was quite a sight, I'm sure. I appreciated the effort. 

Last night Lily tried to stay over, and was very sweet, laying in bed, holding my hand. She did very good actually, but at about 9:20 ended up having to go home. The phone rang and she was still squirming around a bit and decided maybe she wanted to be by her mommy. There were a few tears, and grandma drove her home, telling her that she had to pick up Molly at all hours of the night for many years, and it was no big deal. Josh was happy to see her home, having just arrived himself after a night of call. I was actually pretty tired after two hours of sleep the night before on the red-eye, and crashed immediately again, and didn't wake up for nine hours. 

This morning, Claire came over and played with us. Little Claire is the old Czech lady, and washed dishes by hand with her sleeves rolled up. She toodles around the house keeping busy and hanging out playing with herself wherever we were sitting, dragging in whatever toys she wanted to play with. I sliced up an Asian pear Auntie Carrie sent and she liked it. Later Molly and crew came over for a bit and they went home when everyone was too tired to play anymore.

So far so good. Justin is on the road, and will hopefully be here on Wednesday. We plan to have a big early birthday party for him. 

"You are too ugly to be raped."

http://youtu.be/zgQRkHcEyq8

Failure

I got a bad review from a patient. Online. At a fill-in place that I'd done some work for this summer. The patient called me an "optician" and said I was "rude" and "unprofessional". After reading this, I felt like throwing up and running at the same time. I want to crawl into myself. Actually whenever anyone is mean to me, I want to hide inside myself, crawl in a hole, cover myself and melt into the earth. Anything to make it go away.

It was at a high maintenance place, one where the patients make you feel they are too good to be there. I always have a hard time dealing with people like that, and tend to blabber along trying to feel adequate and prove myself. But maybe they are right, maybe I am terrible.

Why is criticism so hurtful? Is it because you feel inside inadequate anyway, and now someone called you out? Why are people mean? I don't know. I have been the target of meanness from various people in my life pretty regularly, some who are very close to me. Some of it is ongoing right now in my life. I've always reacted the same way- balling up inside myself. Saying nothing. Shirking away, like I was the one who did something wrong.

I get tired of trying to please everyone all the time. I work in a field where I have to try to figure out twenty different people a day in twenty to thirty minute increments, make them happy and do a good job. Who would like to trade places with me? If they don't like what I've done, they come back for a "free re-check" and demand it be fixed. I would like to see these same people try to do this job for twelve years. It is not easy.

Of course I want to run off and hide in the woods. My answer to everything is to run off and hide somewhere. Hiding makes everything better. For a while. Then you realise you are still alive and still have a life to live. And can't hide forever.

Lately everything feels like a failure. I'm still living in my sister's attic. I can't buy a house. I ended up having to go through the whole financing application again because they deleted my original approved application. And now I am running into glitches. Failure.

But I'm about to run off. Fly off to Iowa. That's some comfort. Even if only thirteen days long. And I get to bring Charlie back.

Swirling and going nowhere

Attempted to quit Facebook. Failed. Realised it was too intertwined with my knowledge of local events, business meetings and social connections. Instead, I've increased the list of people who I am "hiding" and unliked some organizations. Probably need to also reduce the total friends list again, but that is a lot of work for another day.

I took out my sweet orange road bike, newly re-arrived to Oregon by Kathy-Chuck delivery. Flying down the streets with barely an effort, I forgot how smooth and tight and fast she rides. And the beauty of the orange and aqua perfectly fit in with the orange leaves and blue skies of today. I really was happy.

I'd been planning to go to continuing education Thursday and Friday in Seattle (but had not yet registered). As the date loomed nearer, I was wondering if I'd overscheduled myself, seeing as I have to work tomorrow and Saturday and Seattle is about a three hour drive (if you don't get stuck in the traffic jam). I'm a hateful, despising, despairing driver, especially on the I-5 between here and Seattle.

So today a house came on the market that I might make an offer on, and I ended up back in the trenches of applying for financing (they had deleted my prior application). I was supposedly able to re-submit the application and achieve a new letter today from the lender, but have since run into more glitches. I'm starting to think I should just live in a damn van. Maybe one of those big-ass conversion vans painted some putrid color. At least I could buy it outright without a bidding war, or the anxiety it takes to procure a house. At this point, I feel rather hopeless. It was never this hard the last three times I bought a house. I am starting to hate the idea of homeownership. The whole thing gives me enough anxiety to stay awake for days on end. It's all a big nightmare.

I'm looking forward to a vacation in my mom's basement and finally sleeping with Charlie again... Just the simple things.