Coming Full Circle & Giving Thanks for a New Old Job

Coming home has been as much of an experience as it was to leave in the first place.

After lollygagging in bed for a while under the covers next to my Charlie, reading the news and my email, I hopped up and grabbed a quick, hot shower with my aqua blue sweater hanging over the shower curtain (free steam iron), thinking about the day to come. I dried my hair and even pulled out the makeup. It was picture day.

I headed towards downtown to the big Kaiser building, and rang the girl who I was meeting there so she could come down and get me. Our first stop was security, where a woman about fifty-five had me sit down and take a photo. Hanging next to her desk was "Australia, New Zealand, Fiji-- 30 days!" I asked who was going. She said she was and for six weeks! I said, "Good for you!" I told her I used to live there. She was very nice and efficient and we were on our way to sign a few more docs, take a copy of my passport and then pick up a my old ID number and enter new passwords.

The guy setting my my computer and charting access kept asking me if I remembered things. A lot of the screens actually looked pretty foreign to me except when I signed into Epic for the first time. That looked familiar for sure. I'm excited and scared to be returning to my old job. I'm sure it will be the same and different, just like coming back here.

There's been a lot of emotions surrounding my return to Portland. I spent a significant portion of my life in the Northwest. Returning here was no small move. It was something I'd been afraid of doing for a long time. The fear that the old sadness I felt last time I was here would return. The loneliness. Being stuck in one place without options. Depression like a sinking ship in the morning when I awoke. Was it the city or was it me? If I came back would I be in the same place wanting to get out? Yet I'd been looking for Portland everywhere I went. It seemed like I had to return.

After about a month of adjusting to the massive move I'd made and rupturing of our relationship, the rest of the year has felt remarkably calm, even as we navigated through the questions that would come. What would Justin think of Oregon? How would we feel when we were together? What would happen?

With my family history, I sort of think that things are always going to go wrong, but it's gone better than I expected. I feel the signs are pointing us to here and staying. I had a really calm year of income with Costco and enough fill in work to help financially. After a lot of soul-searching and speaking with other Kaiser employees (current and past), I decided to investigate the possibility of returning. I know they do not always take people back, and I knew they'd be afraid that I might decide I want to take off again and move around the world. My feeling is that's not going to happen- I'm older and I had my five years of vagabonding and I'm pretty happy with a normal day-to-day routine. I'm aware that working two days is not enough- I have more time off than I need, and fill-in work is fairly stressful. I've also really missed the professional atmosphere of Kaiser and the level of patient care. Mostly I've missed the experience of learning more and more with each passing day through feedback and interactions with other providers and complicated patients.

Through the last few years, I've mulled around the idea of underemployment, switching careers, living off the land, and various other off-the-beaten-path ideas. I've come to feel that working enough to enjoy my free time, and having money available in my bank account without constant spreadsheet and tax analysis by me would be different sort of freedom and one that I'd like to pursue again. I also feel fortunate to just have a job, and to have a career in which I've been able to find work at any time that I needed it, even while taking breaks between jobs to travel and visit family. I know that no career is perfect and I've often lamented the shortcomings of this field, but overall it has served me well.

With Justin at my side, I have an anchor and calmness that makes each day a nice day to have lived. We, of course, will have our rough waters in the future, but we're working together day by day to inch forward. We're both very excited that I'm returning to Kaiser. Today I got my ID badge- I have two days of training at the end of the week and then will start patient care next Monday- two days of ophthalmology and two days of optometry. I'm hopeful and happy at the next chapter we're starting. We think this will allow us to have a little more freedom and peace at the end of the day.

First Thanksgiving Dinner with Just the Charlies.

Charlie & Charlie stayed home this year with Oatie & Bailey. We knew of some people in town, but didn't have any invitations until the day before. Since we have some hermit tendencies we were pretty happy not to have to decide what to do. We thought it would be nice to have our own quiet holiday. Also, we've not had a lot of time alone in our two years together, so when we do, we treasure it.

Though I've been a vegetarian for about eight years now or so, I've never really been into fake meats. One of the reasons I gave up meat was because I didn't really care for it anyway, among other things, and I was trying to go to a healthier lifestyle, which meant that I didn't want uber-processed foods. Occasionally one must break with your values. A national holiday is a good time.

We'd seen the Tofurky roast in the New Seasons ad on sale and decided it was the year to break out the Tofurky. My mom has a long standing love affair (not) with all things tofu, so I go out of my way to harass her about it, even going as far as sending a Tofurky card in the mail to her last year. (I know she loved it secretly.) We did a little research and discovered that Tofurky is made about 60 miles from Portland, in Hood River, OR. The company was founded in 1980 in Forest Grove, OR (where I went to optometry school), and during the first seven years the founder lived in a tree house to save money. Wow. Those people are real hippies!

The dinner was a joint effort- Justin bought a few small sides at New Seasons (green beans, sweet potatoes, and stuffing, so we wouldn't have too many leftovers), Gluhwein (which being the heavy drinkers that we are, never got around to opening) and beeswax candles for the table, as well as a beautiful cheese ball (which we also didn't get to eat until today but was super tasty). I made the mashed potatoes (had no idea three russet potatoes made so much!), some vegetarian gravy (super yummy, also a first time), a all-organic, natural pumpkin pie and homemade crust (thank god I got the Grandma Agnes pie-crust gene), and some Light Rolls (which are a southern thing, but basically light and buttery dinner rolls). Surprisingly we didn't have any fails. I rarely use recipes and often screw things up a bit, so this was pretty great.

Justin set the table and we arranged the dishes for photos and timer pictures and then sat down to our little meal. It was quiet and peaceful and really lovely. The two dogs were treated with tastes of almost everything (even the pie) and I think enjoyed the day too. Earlier, I'd taken them for a walk in the park, so no one gained any weight (I hope).

 

This year, I'm very thankful for a lot of things- mostly having a good family and my Charlie by my side. I'm thankful he didn't give up on me when he could've (when I ran off to Oregon) and thankful that we've been having such a nice and happy life. He has a really large calming effect on me, which is not so common. We get along and have so much in common and meander through life at about the same pace. We've found peace and tranquility in Oregon again and things are moving in the right direction. I'm thankful to have a job, and to have been lucky enough to find work whenever I needed it. I'm thankful that I was able to be a gypsy for five years and return to home with Justin, coming full circle. We are thankful for everything we have, and try not to take it for granted.

Oregon Fall - and quick visit from Amber & Patrick (from my old Germany Job)

The weather's definitely gotten chillier with frost whitening the grass a few mornings this week. Justin even had to break out the ice scraper when he came to work with me one day. We've cranked the heat and still it's cold. We sit bundled up under our lap blankets on the couch like two senior citizens. I guess we are at the door of forty, so that is to be expected. Old people we are. 

I biked downtown this week, the first time since I'd returned from Iowa. It was about 30 degrees out when I set out, so I piled on the clothes and set off. Within five minutes I was roasting. This is the tricky part about cold weather cycling. What to wear. But it was a beautiful ride and I met up with an old friend at the art museum. This fall has been very cool and crisp and pretty dry. It feels like a Midwestern fall, which is pretty nice. The sun shines bright. You need shades. It's a foreign feeling for fall in Oregon. 

The Charlies are still settling in just fine. We met up with some of my old friends tonight from Germany. Amber, who I used to work with (also an optometrist) and her husband, Patrick. They are wonderful folks from Montana, normal and laid back. We had a good evening of walking and talking and eating at the top of the pink tower in Portland- where they have stunning views of the city from the Portland City Grill restaurant. The last time I was there was the eve of my move to New Zealand. I remember sitting in the booth by the window with my sister Carrie and our friend Nate, tears rolling down my eyes, feeling the emotions of the big life step I was taking. And now, almost six years later, I am back. Calm and settled, feeling relaxed about life, older and wiser from my years of travel and work. It was a round about way to end up back here, but I think it was the right way to do it.

Oatie, the Red-Nosed Reindeer

 Downtown Portland, in front of the Portland Art Museum

 Fourth Graders, visiting the art museum

 I like this

Hanging out at Stumptown Roasters downtown. Gorgeous light today. 

Amber & Patrick were in town from Missoula, MT. The last time I saw them was in Germany! After a dinner at the Portland City Grill (happy hour), we walked over to VooDoo Donut and got a little magic to take home. 

Chopping my hair- Letting go of the extra weight (HAIR TRAUMA photos)

Cutting off my hair has historically related to the end of a relationship. Once a man is out of the picture, I feel the need to lighten my load. That freedom means time to chop the hair. I have a problem in that there has been no man disappearing lately. Justin and I are just under the two year mark- my second longest relationship ever. That compounded with my history of horrid haircuts has left me with ridiculously long hair.

I haven't cut my hair in about three years. No kidding. I had so many horrible haircuts that my entire immediate family would swear under oath it's definitely true. I figure about 90% of the time they were so bad that I'd spend months after the cut fixing my hair myself with mirrors and a scissors until it was in a serviceable condition. After my last cut, I decided I was just going to give up and have a bad hair life.

My last cut was in Germany by a woman recommended by one of my cute patients with an awesome haircut. I drove into Amberg, a nearby village and met up with a German lady who had excellent English skills. I told her, "I want layers, but NO short layers in the front. (I have the waviest hair in the front and it puffs up like a mushroom if short.) So what was the first thing she did? Chop about eight inches off the front. After that first cut, I thought, shit, well may as well let her go to town, it's already a total disaster. I paid about $50-60 for a haircut which made me look like a total idiot. (The previous cut I'd had was in New Zealand I think by a guy who was used to cutting Asian hair, and also a total disaster.) This time I took a picture to show to my family. I could be a commercial.

GERMAN Lady's haircut 

(about what I normally get when I go to ANY hairdresser, on ANY continent)

After I fixed it with mirrors and my little Goody scissors. 

(Which is what normally happens after every haircut.)

    

So that is the history. I get a haircut. I pay money. I look worse. I have to look like an idiot until I decide to fix it myself.

Now I am sitting here with this long hair that takes fifteen minutes to blow dry, gets caught in my shirts, and looks generally like a Hutterite's hair. (I'm sorry if you are a Hutterite and I've offended you.) If I don't cut it soon, I'm going to have to make it into dreads and start singing on the street or run around naked like Eve and eat apples. At least then there'd be a reason for my long hair.

I've made about four appointments and rescheduled them, feeling not quite ready to chop it off. I was going to donate my hair. Then I thought, no kids with cancer actually wear wigs- what good would it do anyway? But the other day I was talking with my old friend Lourdes, and she said, "I have a friend whose daughter has Alopecia, and she had to home school her because the kids at school were so mean to her. It was so hard for them to find a wig that matched her hair- a reddish blonde." This story broke my heart, and made me realize I should donate my hair. The places who make wigs ask for hair that is chemically untreated. Which mine is. I was thinking then that most people do not actually have my hair color not from a bottle and the nice thing to do would be to give it away.

So I am again scheduled for a haircut next week. I am expecting some major life changes in the next few weeks, and I think the time to shed the extra weight is here. I know my sister Molly has donated her hair about 2-3 times in her life. She has this lovely thick, healthy dark hair, and it is so generous of her to give it away (it is a big deal to cut that much off). I'm going to follow my baby sister's lead and make a donation in time for the Christmas season, for those who need some blonde hair.

Being from Nowhere

I was paging through Etsy today, snooping on my mom's site (Baby Me by Kathy) when I came across a cute item for sale- a coffee mug with two states with hearts in each state connected by dotted lines. What a cute gift. I thought about giving it to Justin for Christmas. I could put North Carolina and... and what? Where I would I put for me? Even if I spent ten years in North Dakota, and would mostly consider that's where I'm from, I don't feel a massive connection to North Dakota anymore- I left in 1997. I spent eleven years in the Northwest. That doesn't exactly feel like the right state either. Maybe I could put the earth for my state. Is this what happens when you've been wandering for so long?

Five years away from the Northwest, and here we are on our first full winter back. Hopefully it doesn't scare Justin off. It's been drippy and grey for several days. I know my first year here was not easy. I can't remember but my mom said I called all the time and said it was miserable and I hated it. Of course the second year was much better. And now I have returned and feel totally at home.

We're planning to have a small Thanksgiving alone, and hopefully the week of Christmas, we're able to drive down to the California Redwoods for a special celebration.

The two puppies have been getting a long pretty well. Oatie's occasionally snarky to Bailey but then it is his territory. They are so old that it's really like we're running a home for dogs.

So far so good.