Sara in Sarajevo. Flag Day 2011, the year she can run for president.

A recent horoscope asked me to consider foreshadowings in my childhood or adolescence, signs of magic to come, capacities and commitment. While wandering, I've been considering this for a few days. I think it is quite simple. I have always loved to learn. I think my whole life has been a project in learning as much as I could. Extended travel is one of the best teachers. In daily interactions with new people and new places, I'm filled up with ideas and joy at what I experience. So full, it is as if I am holding my breath in wonder.

I've been saying I was thirty-five for several months now. It wasn't a conscious decision but it was what came out of my mouth. (Perhaps ingrained from childhood, when I couldn't wait to be the next year up.) Now the day is here. And I am in Sarajevo. A city I recall in the news from high school. It is a city of surprises. Feels simultaneously large and small, cozily situated in a valley with the river Miljacka running through. Destruction and beauty weave throughout. War-damaged rundown buildings pervade, yet the city is so tidy I know residents take pride in their city. I am glad to be here on this day.

SARAJEVO:

(the hostel I'm staying in is like a home- we even take our shoes off outside the door.)

(a courtyard to apartments)

(the old town has a touristy feel but it is not overrun)

(old guys are always drinking coffee and talking)

(it is maybe hard to see, but many of the buildings have bullet damage)

(I was surprised how much the city reminded me of Turkey)

(here is where the journalists stayed during the Bosnian war, and there was a sniper zone in front of it)

(I see beauty in destruction)

(Sarajevo, though large, is situated in a valley which is delightful for wandering- it's I think impossible to get lost, you just go down and look around... I've been walking the hills for a couple days now and I could do this for quite a while)

Flag Day 2010, age 34

Today I start the magic year, the age my dad was when he died.

Up until now, I’ve been seeing this age nearing in the future, as a goal post and a reminder of the quickness of life, the instability, the wonder. What will it be like when I’ve lived longer than my dad? What will I feel like? What if this were my last year? And this was all I got to experience? Is it enough? What did he feel like? 

I don’t want you to think I’m stuck in the past. I’m not. I live in the present moment quite well. But my dad dying suddenly when I was seven, it changed things up. I lost my innocence, but with that, gained early insight into what’s really important and what’s not in life. There’s a lot that doesn’t seem too important after that. 

This is what 32 looks and thinks like:

I’ve been having a lot of trouble seeing the point of planning - for next year, retirement, my career. I don’t know what it is.

This is the worst case of butterflies that I’ve ever had. Is this what it is like to be a commitment-phobe? I can’t commit to life. I just want to keep running. I don’t even know what I am running from.

I’m having fun here- living in a new place, learning new things, meeting new people. It’s great, but I’m craving a experience that’s less superficial.

I look at people who are with their spouses pushing strollers hurriedly down the street. And I think, “They don’t look like they are wondering about the meaning of life.” But they’re probably just keeping up with their day-to-day routine. When you’re single and free, there’s more time to think. More time to be lost.

I think part of it’s the whole birthday thing. 32, it’s not old. But it’s getting older. In your thirties, you are supposed to feel more secure in yourself (and I do) but I don’t feel any more certain of myself or my future. I feel lost. As lost as I was all the other years.

I was out last night dancing with friends all over Auckland. It was great fun, but it felt surreal- almost like life was going on around me and I was watching it, though I was in the middle of the dance floor spinning around in my dress.


The sensation of life swirling around me. I am in the eye of the storm but I can’t see where I’m going. I just see the drama. Waiting to see where I get dropped off next.



Self-photo right before I went out in my second-hand blue birthday dress.

Happy Flag Day!

Happy Birthday ME!  :)  

Letcha know later how the full day went.  Here's the beginning:

I woke up before 6AM, thinking about Molly coming to visit on Monday and bananas.  Went for a run in the park. Watched the sunrise a little. Stopped at the farmer's market and got lots of veggies to keep them healthy. Took a shower. Fiona came over to pick me up for birthday brekkie. As we were leaving, singing started to come from the big house. It was my landlady, Kate, singing "Happy Birthday" to me out their bedroom window.  After a lovely brekkie of a long black and fresh fruit, I returned home.  Made a few dips for Josh and Molly (better when they sit a couple days) and now going to meet Ursula.  More later!  

Happy Birthday to all those who share the day with Einstein

I have an inordinate number of friends with this birthday, so here goes:

To: (listed in chronological order by date met)
Slim, my old neighbor in the penthouse suite in opt school - now in Montana;
Aaron, my former flame who's now in Edmonton;
Sarah the curly blonde who's moved to California;
Shalene in Portland who I met through Matt;
Fiona, the most recent March 14th, who I met in Auckland- though she's also from Edmonton.

One other random connection to this date: Ursula's brother and grandmother were both born today.

If I've missed anyone, please let me know!