Heaven on earth

Sherbet hues coat the sky and water- pastels drawing me off the road out of my car to watch the sun slip into the ocean. Paddleboarders sitting out there in their swimsuits. It could be us. I wonder how I got here. Life is a mystery never to be solved. You have to just enjoy what beauty you find. Sometimes it is almost too much.

Restoring a 1937 Sears & Roebuck kit home

I said, "I feel like I've been taking speed all day every day." 

He said, "It's called happiness."

This afternoon while hoeing the garden, I thought how good it was to be in the earth, in the air, smelling and feeling everything. It's no stretch to say that sitting in front of a screen in a dark windowless office all day is not natural. It's depressing at minimum. Unhealthy.

Later after covering myself in dirt, I hopped in the shower, rinsing off the evidence of my efforts, and I thought maybe you should decide how much you need to make each year and shoot for that. I decided I've made enough for the year (even if I have a little more work lined up.)

Since officially moving to Buxton, we've been crazy working on the house and the yard. I think both of us finally feeling that this is real. The next biggest project is to paint the outside of the house.

History: This house has been in Justin's family since his grandfather put it up in 1937. It was a kit house, out of the Sears & Roebuck catalog. Our house is the one on the lower right of the sheet above.

 

On the beach near our house

 Unidentified sea monster

 The living room after our rearrangement and cleaning

 Slightly messy middle room

 

 

 Newly installed laundry line

 Here is the work that lies ahead. No small feat. That's an old pie cooling window.

 Justin is working on a painting & holding the pre-efforted canvas.

The house has 22 windows. There were renters in it for years, so has been slowly getting redeemed over time. 

Our two rides

 The dog feeling happy about the recycling bin. 

(We have to load it in our car and drop it off. Not so convenient but feels pretty satisfying.)

 Trees=Love

I'm living in the ocean

"That sounds like fun," Lulu said as I explained over the phone that we had a roommate. Ed. Justin's roommate before I decided to make the Outer Banks my permanent home. Plus there's James, the neighbor across the street who comes over almost every day.

It is often the four of us sitting in the living room. I'm the token girl. A role not unfamiliar. A role which I assumed in optometry school living with my boyfriend and his three male roommies in Oregon. It was an education in all things male, and perverse words I didn't know (but certainly need to know) like "tea-bagging".

There is a comfort sitting around the small living room, all seats filled, debates swirling around without any particular direction. Sometimes the TV is on, sometimes not.

Last night Ed was eating pizza, James, Chinese take out, and the two of us, Ahi tuna & broccoli. It seems that Justin and I are the most obvious hippies, but James and Ed fall into the similar lines of thought at times and the words that stream out of their mouths are interesting as their varied occupations.

James is a mechanic. Ed is a former special ed teacher, turned kite board instructor. Justin does graphic design. And I am of course, a gypsy. Or sometimes medical professional, sometimes writer, sometimes activist, still finding my way.

Bailey spends the entire day looking like he's been shot. It's just the way he sleeps. He's the thirteen year old Australian Heeler. And there's two cats, one half-dead black&white (Oreo) and one pure ebony (Midnight) who has hissing confused with purring.

I could not have conjured this place up in my imagination.

Moreso, Buxton is on the Outer Banks, which is situated forty miles off the coast of North Carolina. I am on an island in the Sea. In the South.

And so what I have learned is you never know what you need. Or what you're going to get. But you need to be open minded to what's presented to you. And accept it as a gift.

We're in Buxton, at the elbow of the sandbar of the outer banks

 The Outer Banks in relation to the state of NC

This is my life now

I told him today that this was the last time I am moving. That I am going to stay forever. So now he is stuck. He was happy about that.  

Forgetting what others think I should do

 Walking my own path

 Having enough time

 To watch the skies and enjoy the earth

And colors which surround me

 Thankful to have found home.

I resigned

I'm in the process of considering what to focus on next.

On Sunday, I'm truly moving to North Carolina after a miserable few months in Virginia Beach spent in a windowless dark room making money for someone who didn't care about anything else but the greenback and going home to an empty apartment at night. Sort of like solitary confinement but not quite. Still, it was depressing to never see the weather or my boyfriend.

So I resigned my job.

It felt great.

I'll do some fill in work and retain my freedom to see family and my boyfriend. (This is what I was originally going to do before I got scared and took a job.)

It took more soul-searching that most people would require, but I finally woke up one day and thought, who would chose to live in a different state from their beekeeper-gypsy life partner? Would my mom work in Minneapolis and while her beau is in Iowa City? I don't think so. Not if you have the choice. Unless you really need the money.

I don't really need the money. I don't spend the money. I paid off my student loans. I don't have any debt. So I was dragging my ass to work every day to make money because I thought I should.

Should is not a good reason.

What about what makes you happy? What about living simply? What about curling up at night with your special man friend?

Isn't that more important?

I'm not tossing my career (yet).

But I am going to focus on what's important.

I'll always be able to sustain myself. Independence is ingrained in my family. No one is lazy. Not really anyway.

My mom taught us to take care of ourselves and we do. And she is a shining example. But she also taught us to enjoy life. To laugh. To love. To not take a day for granted. You never know when your feet will last touch this earth's soil.

So I am choosing love. I am choosing to live by my values, not society's expectations. I am choosing to take that other path. It's a little scary, but I know I'm doing the right thing.

the next project: island farm girl

i am living in north carolina now

bruises

covering my body
inside & out
my ass is sore
from sitting
and thinking
my arm
under my leg
like a pretzel
i twist myself
up inside out
to find the way
where am i going
to the ocean
the water curls over me
exfoliating
the layers of pain
people say
you should not
let the waves
crash into you
but i like the feeling
when they knock me down
i get back up
again
& again

work integrity

Establishing residency (thoughts & photos)

Coffee & contemplation- though this is an older photo, I've been doing a lot of this lately. Pondering the roads of life. Questioning decisions and what's important. Nothing new. Just the same old. Everything is pretty good and stable, which is nice. For once.

Bailey in heaven at the beach. He had his face and teeth full of sand- looked like he was foaming at the mouth. Of course every time I tried to get a good shot of him, he'd turn away.

My BF waxing a surfboard. I didn't know that surfboards were waxed on the top to stick your feet on them. I just assumed they were waxed like skis on the bottom to make more slippery. Learning something new every day.

North Carolina shore. I was floating on my back in the water, thinking how strange it was to be in North Carolina. I am still getting a mental handle on living on the East coast. I don't know where I should be- I don't think it is anywhere, really, but sometimes it feels weird that I'm here. But I feel lucky. It's a pretty nice place to land. Especially the Outer Banks.

Not Sleeping Picture. Kind of what it's been like lately, every night and morning, the hours of hiding in the darkness have been short lately, but everyone goes through phases of this I think. It would be way worse if I had five kids (or maybe not, maybe just purely thankful for a few min of sleep.)

I set up a bank account in North Carolina yesterday just down the street from Justin's house. The first step in residency. I couldn't help but feel I was lying or crazy when the woman at the bank asked my address and for IDs. I have IDs and phone numbers and associations from all over the world. I feel like I belong no where but this feels the most like home of anywhere (and it's where I've spent the majority of my time for the last five months). It's strange to feel so groundless when inquiry strikes- I felt totally exposed and naked in my gypsy-ness for some reason. But at the same time, I felt like I was taking a step in the right direction.

what is

the point of life alone darkness dragging light sideways behind tripping around falling up and back no one in my life he doesn't really care does he or does he how do you measure it i contemplate something else classes and band and reading i am a student of life going no where just death at the end now everything feels pointless i can't figure out any reasons for it all i ate too much for dinner sometimes i can't help it i think i am hungry for something else