Night thoughts

Pounding bass. I'm falling asleep. This is something I didn't imagine when I was younger- napping at a rock concert. But then somewhere along the line, I slid into my late thirties and here I am wishing for a blanket to crawl under. But who am I kidding? I was the person to fall asleep and get kicked out of the bar in optometry school, too tired those late nights out and never able to handle my liquor.

The last few days skittered along, a series of events reminding me what life is about. It's constantly on my mind, the randomness of life. Everything reminds me of it.

My cousin's nine year old daughter Kayleen was sent home from the hospital. To die. The treatments have failed. I don't understand how this can be. I keep imagining her playing in the yard. Riding her bike. Her parents watching out the window. Wondering how they can even breathe knowing she is dying. It makes no sense. Tears drip out of my eyes when I try to imagine. I can't.

Kayleen

The day after Kayleen was sent home, my cousin's wife Amy got another clean MRI after having a brain tumor removed. She had something like a ten percent chance of survival when diagnosed at 33. She's now 37. Same age as me.

Amy & Chris

Who decides who makes it or not? It seems so random. There is no answer.

Then the most happy news: my sister Molly had her third daughter, Hazel Rose, yesterday. Named after grandma Hazel and Molly Rose. She was perfect and came the day before Molly was to be induced. Three girls. Just like us. Three sisters. I'm so thankful for mine. Joy at a safe delivery. Happiness and excitement.

And so the world keeps spinning. Life goes on. It doesn't really make sense. None of it. But I guess we are here to give it our best shot and be as loving as we can. I take it for granted. But I know how precious and short and unpredictable this life is.

Hazel Rose!

Sunlight sneaking through the clouds

[Oatie, the incredibly spoiled, overly doted-on chihuahua, in the Gorge]

The rain had been avoiding Portland, but our fake-summer is over and the water from the sky is back upon us. I don't mind. It's near sixty most days and the rain drips from the sky without wind. Sometimes the sun even shines through, which is a surreal effect.

We spent today on all things bikes. First to a bike swap, which we'd hoped to find a used bike for Justin, but instead was mostly high-end new bikes, way beyond our feeble budget. We're looking in the $500 or less range. The situation on used bikes here is a bit high-end anymore, as there are so many cyclists. I've discovered that bike shipping is reasonable, and I'm going to send 1-2 of my bikes from Iowa to here for about $80 each. When I first came out I wasn't sure what I was doing, so I left most of my stuff in Iowa. Now there are a lot of things hiding in my mom's basement that I'd like to have.

I recently finished a book about the history of the bike lanes and how Portland came to be USA's cycling city (called Joy Ride). It stated that 28% of Portlanders bike commute at least one day a week and that 14% of traffic here was by bicycle. So apparently we're not the only ones interested in the foot-pedaled mode of transport. But there's safety in numbers, and in the years since I've been gone, there's been a noticeable increase in bike lanes, bike friendliness, and courtesy of cars towards bikes. More often than not when we are at an intersection, cars will stop or wave for us to go. I still remember being yelled and honked at in the past and nearly run down by a Trimet bus. We've experienced none of that since returning this time.

We've been having the best time being together out here- the first time in our relationship when we were together and working and having fun and having a normal life. All the time before, things were pieced together in a semi-long-distance relationship. Removing ourselves from family and living a more normal existence has been so relaxing. Sometimes you don't realise the stress that is carried by being surrounded by family (or sort of trapped on a small island). We both love music and arts and nature and people. Spending time at coffee shops, wandering around town, heading out into the trees, sharing time with Carrie & Oatie... it's all been better than I ever imagined.

When I packed up and headed 3000 miles across the country, I had no idea what was in store next. I only knew that I had to do it. I cried for the first 1500 miles, until I got to Iowa. After I got here, there were long nights of emotional conversations. It was not an easy road. But I think it was the right one.

We're doing good. We sleep like babies together. Everyday we wander around town, and spend time on the couch. There's not a day that goes by that I regret what I did, and I'm happy every day to have Justin here. I'm thankful for this time also with Carrie, the two of us getting to spend time with her. Knowing that Carrie and Justin were out at the farmer's market and trying on vintage cowboy boots while I was at work on Saturday seriously warmed my heart (even if I was a little jealous). I told Justin I was glad that he was hanging out with her, that it made me happy and thanked him. He said they have a good time together, that it was no big deal. It was fun for both of them. That made me so happy.

I have nothing but thankfulness in my heart for life right now.

“Every morning we are born again.
What we do today is what matters most.”
Buddha.

Enjoy your gift of now. It's all we have. - JD

Making less, living more?

It's not without emotion. I mean, I have a pretty good amount of freedom. But you trade one thing off for another. More money is more freedom in one way- more time is more freedom in another. Somedays it's a little scary to earn way less. But then you weigh the pros and cons. A day in the sun on bikes/ hiking in the trees/ visiting with friends vs more money/ more prestige/ more supposed security. It is a little tricky to wrap your mind around.

I'm still in a career where I'm sequestered to a black windowless room for most of the daylight hours to earn my money. It's hard to commit to any more days than I'm doing- I feel trapped in there and exhausted with patients' burdens most days. Recently I was out to lunch with one of my friends who is a social worker and she said, "Look up Secondary Trauma and Mindfulness Training." I haven't done this but maybe I should. Maybe I should look up "Caregiver Syndrome". I remember one of my friends saying she would ask herself, "Do you like to be the martyr?" I sometimes wonder too.

Years of taking on family burdens and then adding patient care means that I spend too much time trying to do things for other people to make their lives nicer. It is often without equal reciprocity and I end up feeling drained. This is a good part of the reason why I don't want to add more days in the clinic. Patient care is a one-way energy drain for the most part. I find it overwhelming.

At home today I tried to switch the places of the trash and the recycling because I keep hitting my head on the low cabinet over the recycling. You would think after five to seven times of hitting my head on the cabinet I could learn that it is there and stop hitting my head. But apparently I am proprioceptally challenged and cannot learn this. So I tried to switch the locations of the bins but this was overruled. So I am left with either never touching the recycling or probably hitting my head again. I don't know what else I can do.

Sometimes it is the small things like repeatedly hitting your head that sort of makes you hit the wall and think what the hell is this life about? Here I sit and try so hard, for what? And of course it is all meaningless. And you never know when the shit is going to hit the fan so why even try?

But the next morning comes and maybe you forget. So you make your coffee and head to work and do it all again. Until the day you hit your head again and think it is a stupid life.

Happy Easter

Or whatever that is. I don't really celebrate religious holidays and stopped church about 15 years ago. So I think of other ways to celebrate. We did break open the Cadbury caramel easter bunnies on today's bike ride around town.

It was a lazy start to the day, waking at 9:45. A couple weeks of being on the run finally caught up to us, and it was my first day of being able to sleep in for quite a while. Last week we were in Seattle for an education event for me and then Vancouver, BC seeing my old friend Vivian the couple days following. I'd returned to Portland and worked the next day. Even started riding my bike to work this week.

We've been spoiled the last few days, with summer like weather (75!) and sunshine. No breeze. Perfect for hopping on the bicycles and meandering about town. I tried not to kill Justin this time- just took him around on mostly flat roads and no long-cuts like last time. He's been telling everyone he's on the West Coast Shape-Up-Plan--- after years of being a sedentary work-at-home-on-the-computer-person (his terms, not mine), he's got some catching up to do. I forget sometimes and almost kill him with activities.
Carrie and I determined that we might have special endurance genes, so it's not so hard for us to pick up and do things.

Anyway, he's cruising along to better shape and today we upgraded his 3-year old Keens with real new hiking shoes which we can use about town. At REI, the guy who helped us was from Virginia. :) We explained that Justin had gear for water sports but was in need of different gear since arriving from the East. He totally understood. We are gearing up for some summer hikes in the gorge, camping trips and stand-up paddling.

Leaving REI, we strapped the old shoes to our bike rack and headed out for a buy-one-get-one-free ice cream at Salt & Straw (Oregon local!) which fueled us for the ride home and Easter Dinner Leftovers.

A great easter Sunday!

 [bunnies kissing]

Fears in between

Two months in the Northwest and I feel more at home every day. I'm healthier than I've been in years from  all the outdoor activities, good food and friends who fill up my soul, plus time with my sister. 

Yet I feel like I'm holding my breath waiting to see what happens. I don't want to leave here. I don't know what'll happen should I come to the crossroads of choosing between living here and returning to North Carolina. I feel ill at the idea of giving up myself. I'm not sure what I'm able to do. But I know that I am also thinking ahead which is pretty futile in most ways. So instead I'm trying to stay in the moment I'm in. I can't help but wonder- my brain is trained in speculation and possibilities and planning for the future. These last five years have been a study in living in the moment. It is not easy. 

I sometimes feel it is a tug of war. So many things- location, weather, lifestyle, families. I wonder sometimes if it is irreconcilable differences. Sometimes it feels too much. I feel like we are in that in between world where things are before they explode one way or the other. I don't know if we have enough to hold it together. I will have to see. 

I know he originally came out here with the intention of moving me right back to NC. I think he has since changed his mind in some way, but I think it's only temporary. It's a tug of war between the coasts. I wonder if we each have to give up too much. I feel restricted and scared. 

I wish things were easier.